I have my ups and downs like any other person, but mine feel like they are on the extremes of the spectrum.
I’ve had some people message me and ask why I decide to share some personal parts of my life. I couldn’t answer it for a while. But I now write in hopes that someone identifies with at least one sentence that I write.
Growing up, I never experienced mediums that allowed me to express my emotions and actually celebrate them. I was told not to cry, not to seem weak, etc. So, naturally, when I cannot share those emotions, they stay secluded deep within me.
At times, I explode (See my last post). Saying everything that I have been keeping secret all at once like a machine gun unloading. I don’t mean to do it. I just can’t control it.
When I do explode, people often ask me what’s wrong. I hate that. Because when people ask me what’s wrong, I seem weak to them and need attention. The weird thing is, I want the attention. I don’t know, I can’t put it into words that will make sense.
In order to combat this, I put up a wall. Metaphorically, it’s not like a concrete wall, more like wallpaper. What I mean is that I change how I see people and how I act myself. Instead of being the emotional person I naturally am, I am heartless. Instead of reaching out to people I know who are going through issues, I purposely ignore them.
I care so much about people, that I act like I don’t care.
It’s a bad habit, I know. I hope that you look at my other posts and start piecing me together. I will never say these things in person because of my pride, but writing for some reason, it breaks me down.
The really sad part is, I don’t think I can change. What I just described above has saved me from so many situations of embarrassment. I just wanted to write because at this moment, I feel like I’m pushing everyone away.
When in reality, I want them closer.